Thursday, March 15, 2007

The downfall of society: If nobody believed me before, they will now.

I just turned departed from the living room where I spent the last few hours mucking around flipping between channels on the television. After surfing the channels for a while I started watching NBC’s The Office and was delighted as it always entertains. During the commercials of any show I’m watching, I always check to see what else is showing. Let me tell you that nothing was different this evening.

As I was searching I came across a show called Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I had heard about this show and how lackluster it was so obviously it piqued my interest and I immediately tuned in to watch it instead. To say I was completely utterly shocked and appalled at this horrible bit of tripe is putting it extremely lightly… They put children on stage to HELP the adults who are clearly in need of it! My God… If this crap that Fox puts on the air is supposed to pass as entertainment then there is something exceedingly wrong with society. (I will illustrate that later in this post, as well as the many to come)

Now, I shouldn’t say it was not completely unentertaining. I say this because seeing stupid people, moreover, the stereotypical dumb American adult being bested by a 10 year old is damned entertaining to me. Now I’m not just ragging on stupid American’s because Canada isn’t far behind in the lack of education and its number of illiterate children and adults. Illiterate has 2 I’s by the way. In case you missed the show last night, some guy had to guess how many I’s were in that word. He did get it right, but only after wasting 5 minutes thinking about the answer and debating whether or not he should ask the 10 year old for help…

Before I go on, I must say that I’m your standard 26 year old male. I’m not a genius and I do not claim to be. I’m of average intelligence with an average IQ. Or at least the IQ tests I do on the internet at 3AM say I’m average, and I’m fine with that. I did attend a tech school for 3 semesters, but left for reasons I shall not go into. I don’t have a degree or certificate from a university or college, but I do have my high school diploma. I do know more about some subjects than others, and less in other subjects than others. There you have it. I’m the standard all round average Joe. Perhaps I’m selling myself short, but I needed to paint this picture before I go on. But I digress…

As I sat there watching this drivel I will admit that I was amused at first. But then after watching for roughly 10 minutes I found myself becoming angry at this show and the people on it. Not the kids, I loved kids. You could see in their eyes that even they couldn’t believe how stupid these adults were.

I sat there watching and becoming more and more furious at the show! So furious in fact that I had to call my best friend and tell him how mad I was at this crap. Not just the show, but the fact that it showcases really stupid people and the obvious lack of education they received!

One of the first questions asked was along the lines of “What ocean surrounds the North Pole?” Obviously the Arctic Ocean immediately popped into my head, and thought he’d get it right away. I guess I was wrong because this apparently isn’t common knowledge! The young man had to get help from the kid?!?!? What the hell? How can you not know this? After this moment I had to turn the channel as I was too far into my disbelief that I had to stop and come to my own senses before I fell into a deep stupid hole of my own.

After a few more minutes of watching The Office, curiosity got the better of me and I turned back to watch more stupid folk. This time there was a lady. The guy obviously got one of his easy questions wrong and was booted. The first question I saw her field was asking how many adjectives were in a sentence they had posted up. Now I’m not trying to be condescending or anything, but if someone reading this doesn’t know what an adjective is… An adjective is a word that describes, identifies or quantifies a noun or pronoun. Striped, hideous, small etc are all examples of an adjective.

So the screen pops up with a sentence, I read it and quickly identify 3 adjectives. It’s not that hard. At least I thought. It’s as if this woman had never learned rudimentary building blocks of English. Well the answer was obviously 3, and after a few minutes of humming and hawing she guessed 3. She didn’t know for sure, she GUESSED 3. Wow, I’m thinking this is one very dumb broad. And then the next question came...

Now… I must preface this to one of my previous statements. Do you remember my comment about the typical stupid American? Well, if there was ever a perfect example of stupid, as God is my witness, this would shine through like the Cheshire Cat’s teeth. The question read “What country is directly north of the U.S. border?” Of course its Canada, but apparently again I’m wrong and this isn’t common knowledge… SHE DIDN’T KNOW! She HAD to get HELP from the child! My God man! How on earth does she tie her shoes in the morning? What, did she think Communist Russia was there? Or perhaps a myriad of small countries like there are in the middle of Europe. Could it be that there is just ocean directly above the good ole USA? Maybe the Moon is there? I mean come on! Canada is the second largest county in the entire world! The kid new instantly and thank God otherwise this lady would have gone home empty handed. It’s at this point that I shut the TV off in utter disgust and called my friend to complain.

Do you see what I mean? Shows like this are saying it’s ok to be stupid because you will be rewarded in the end for being a dumbass. And to say this is simply a product of a poor American education system would be a false statement as Canada is right there beside them. It’s just there are no shows parading stupid Canadians. If there was a show, we as a people would look just as dumb.

Yeah, the world needs people of all kind, and this includes stupid people. But the trend is showing that intelligence is severely lacking and going in a steady southern direction. I know it, you know it, and I think most everyone else does too. But to showcase it in an international forum is an incredibly idiotic thing to do.

Normally I don’t write stuff like this, but I was compelled to write something after I saw this crap last night. Eventually, I plan on actually writing a book about what I believe is the downfall of society and education is going to be a major part of the book.

Comments are as always welcomed.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Deep thoughts

If God really created me in his image, I think I have to thank him because he's obviously a really really sexy dude!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Ode Du Fish Sauce

Oh fish sauce, how I feel for thee.
You are a wonderous and tasty addition to my bland rice vermicelli.
So simple, yet so fine.
Why do people scorn you so when brought to the table?

They hear your name and are immediately turned off.
I beg and plead for your case yet people always just turn their heads in disgust!
"Oh, no fish sauce for me!" they say.
And I retort "Why not? It surely will add a taste sensation that can be claimed as next to Godliness!"

Oh fish sauce, why do people judge you so?
They are prejudice to your name because it contains the word fish.
They judge because they assume your nothing but ground up and blended bits of dolphin.
They always judge a book by its cover.

Oh fish sauce... What the hell do "they" know anyways.
Nobody ever takes into consideration that you may just be a tasty addition to a meal.
Why should they? They think your made of fish!
Little do they know that I have your secret.

I have always been a promoter for your luxurious taste.
But people still turn up their noses when they hear your name.
Why don't they get it? Really, what the hell is their problem?
Why don't people believe me when I say your just a tasty oily sauce that has no fish in it?

Perhaps I won't tell them anymore.
Perhaps I won't fight for your tasty cause.
Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps...
I could perhaps all day and it won't get you or I anywhere but nowhere.

We could change your name to something like "oily goodness"
Or we could change it to something more elegant like "bonté huileuse" which is just French for "oily goodness".
Who would ever know but you and I?
Nobody would second guess you with a name like that. Not even the French because they eat worse crap than that anyway!

No... No...
A name change will not suffice.
What the hell do you or I care what anyone thinks about our dirty little relationship?
None! None I say.
Forget the masses, forget them all!

People can judge all they want now fish sauce!
They will continue to have a prejudice to you.
My words will no longer fall on deft ears.
As I shall no longer fight with losers who don't take my word.

Oh fish sauce, my fish sauce.
You shall continue to flavor my vermicelli.
You shall continue to fill my heart with delight.
I shall fight no more...

Oh fish sauce, don't ever change old friend.
I will not share your secret anymore, and this I promise.
Oh fish sauce, just know that I have forsaken you not.
And even though I speak not your name, I will never forget you...
Fish sauce actually does contain fish...

Monday, November 27, 2006

A small nugget of truth

Hearyee hearyee! I doth proclaim to the world a fantastical new rambling. Bleech is a wonderful thing when its not inside you...

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Operation "New Gotchies" a year later: In the end

Salutations I proclaim to all the multitudes and multitudes of fans that are once again joining me for a thrilling new tale of wonder! I know your all wondering where I've been for so long and what amazing nuggets of truth I shall proclaim to the masses. Well, it's a tale that I would really have to seriously dumb down so everyone could understand. This is something that I am certainly not going to do. I will not succumb to your day to day mundane descriptions of a journey so grande that one could only understand if said person I was explaining this too was actually accompanying me... So I just plain won't.

Ok, so I wasn't on a grande adventure. I was just damned lazy and uninspired to write. Well... That and I finally realized... Wait a second, I don't have to explain myself to any of you! What the hell! I'm turning into some hipster doofus here.

So after a much awaited new blog, I figured I'd start out with something a little on the lighter side of things. I have exactly 24 new blog titles that are awaiting my gracious time to write, but some are a little, well, less than tasteful. So to draw you all back in, I'm going to start out slow and then when your not looking, I'm going to throw a trout at your face! BAM! You won't know what hit you, but then you'll look at the ground see the trout and think to yourself "Oh yeah, he said he was going to do that." So with no further stalling, here is my story...

Operation new gotchies a year later: In the end

Well it's now a year later and my drawers are laced with drawers haha! Ok, lame. But seriously, my dresser is partially filled with new and semi new gotchies. Thats right folks, this past year has been filled with the amazing comfort and fit of the boxer brief variety of gitch.

When I wrote the original gotch blog I was only in day 2 of wearing them and already at that point I was quite taken with this amazing new to me male undergarment. Naturally it seemed like it was the only real gotch to wear. It wasn't as restricting as the regular brief, it has MUCH more support than the boxer and not as provocative as the bikini brief which is really like man panties or "manties".

Now a year later I've purchased many a pair of the goodness that are boxer briefs. Though I still have all my old gotchies as backup, and still wear them occasionally when I haven't done laundry in a few weeks... I'm a bachelor, what can I say?

I do have to say after the initial weirdness of my first purchasing extravaganza at Walmart, the purchasing aspect of gotch didn't seem so odd. I actually purchased more later that fateful week, and even more as the year went on.

Other than my occasional romp through the house with nothing more on me than the boxer briefs, the odd gotch dance I do, playing guitar in nothing but gotch, sitting in my gotch on the new leather furniture, sleeping in gotch, chasing kids down the street with a stick wearing only gotch, there's nothing too much to report really...

In conclusion I have to rate the boxer brief as a 8.5 out of 10. I still get the occasional ride up my ass crack and sometimes the leg cuffs stretch a bit and bunch up a bit, but I certainly don't have to deal with the problems of any other gotch! Well, I do when I don't do laundry, but thats my own damned fault.

So that's pretty much it ladies and germs. I'm a converted boxer brief wearer. I don't think I'll go any other way ever again. Perhaps I'll grace the afterlife commando though. If I'm going to live an eternity I might as well do it free and hangin' loose!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

666 and the last revelation of Bortadamus: The Beerpocalypse

Ah yes. As I sit here in the shambles that is my sleep chamber I admit that I'm drawn to todays date like a moth to light (read previous moth tales for a jolly good laugh). Today's date of course is June 6, 2006; ie 06/06/06 or as others would say 999, but thats just the dyslexics. And as we have all come to know through popular belief, 666 is the mark of the beast.

Who is this "beast" I speak of? Well he's also known as beelzebub, devil, lucifer, prince of darkness, satan, demon, death, and Alex Trebek. I know your all thinking "how could Alex Trebek be the devil?" Well, only the devil could know as much as him. Everyone knows the cards he holds are blank. Think about it...

Anyway... Whether or not you believe that 666 is the mark of the beast is irrelavant as there have been many more before you that have, and currently do. Now with this belief comes much folklore and even more prophecy. Whether its about the devil or just the date of 6/6/6 many names, theories and prophecies come to mind. Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, the book of Revelations and the ancient Mayan's are on that forefront of these prophecies. The one thing that all of these prophecies have in common is this: Doom. Armageddon, the end of days, the apocalypse. Name it what you will, it all means the same thing. The end of the world as we know it. Many of these prophecies have specific dates, but none could be more appealing to write about than to have the impending doom fall on 666. It's just too perfect a scenario to not have an end of the world theory on that day. It doesn't matter if its June 6 of the year 06 or June 6 of 10,006, there will be stories abound.

I've read my share of apocalypse prophecy and though they are extremely intriguing, and sometimes even thought provokingly scary, there is no real fire and brimstone like there was in the book of Revelations. There is definitely no horror story better than the book of Revelations, and there is even less that is as exciting to read. Keeping this in mind, there is not too many satirical stories out there and even less that have anything to do specifically with Canada. So I've taken it upon myself to write something to entertain the masses. Not only will it be scary, but it will be thought provoking. Probably some humor too, but we'll see how I'm feeling. This is my story...

The Beerpocalypse according to B0rtadamus

It is said by other prophets that in the distant future, armageddon may be upon us. But I emplore you, the people of Canada, think not of your day of judgement, for there is something more dire on the horizon. Take heed for what I am about to proclaim will only bring shock and horror to this great nation.

In the year of our Lord, 2006 on the 6th day of the 6th month a catastrophe of epic proportions will fall upon the great nation of Canada. On this day at aproximately 6:66AM in a research lab located at the University of Calgary, a scientist named Lamien son of Ducifer will make a discovery. It will be a discovery that can only be toted as a gift from God. Lamien will finally, after 66 years of work create a new enzyme within Hops that will effectively make beer self-cooling. It will never have to be refridgerated and it will certainly never have to be drank warm again.

Later that day Lamien will tout his new wonderous creation to the people of Canada on the CBC evening news. The people of Canada will rejoice and celebrate Lamien's accomplishment by taking the rest of the week off and getting smashed on this now old yet still refreshing style of beer.

A few days later Lamien will start mass production of his Hops and will make millions by selling this product to all the brewries in Canada. During the mass production there will be a fire at the UofC, but it won't destroy the new Hops, it will do something much worse. During the fire there will be an explosion and the hops will mutate. A chemical reaction in the new enzymes will cause a natural ticking timebomb within the plant. Upon early gestation of the newly formed plant, a rapid growth of microscopic spores will be released that will be fed upon by a long dormant, and thought to be harmless single celled organism found in soil.

This organism will not only destroy these new hops, but also the regular hops used for centuries. It will decimate the fields of Canada, and it will destroy the new beer being brewed in all the breweries. The destruction will be swift and violent as the organisms are spred through the air. All the beer within Canada will cease to exist in the first quarter of 2007.

All the other countries of the world will somehow not become infected with the same problem. It was almost as if they all knew what was coming and were prepared with a vaccine for their hops fields.

In the year of our lord 2006, on the 9th month on the 4th day Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper will begin agriculture trade talks with all the major hops producing countries of the world: USA, Germany, and Australia. They decide they will sell us their hops. However, seeing Canada in this position, these 3 countries will decide to inflate 100 fold the price of their hops. This price will only affect us in Canada, it will not affect the population of their own countries. They wished to price gouge in the hopes of becoming a "have" countries.

The next day Prime Minster Harper will present a plea for help in front of the UN council asking them to put a lower price levy on the hops. The UN will find this plea humorous and even a little ironic. The fact that the largest beer drinking country in the world was begging for lower hops prices. In a unanimous vote the UN decides not to lower the the price on hops for Canada. They finished with quote: "Canada has up until now been known for their great beers, but they have also been know for their high percentage of alcoholics. The UN has decided in the favor of no price levy as we do not wish Canada to turn into a place of drunken debauchery in the way Ireland has."

Completely outraged by this, the Canadian public start rioting in the streets and demanding that something more be done or else face the possibility of civil war. So on September 6th Prime Minister Harper will appear in a highly anticipated state of the hops press conferance on the CBC network. Harper will address the problem and then speak about how it will be remedied.

In a complete Conservative change of face, Harper will speak of major cuts to all "uneeded government funded programs". He will cut funding from education, healthcare, welfare and yes, even the CBC to put every cent into the WWF (World War Fund). He will then go on to explain the largest draft in the military history of the world. All able bodied men and women between ages 15-40 will be called to arms to fight in the war coined as the "Beerpocalypse". "We're going to war Canada, we must take over the beer drinking countries of the world!" Harper then went on to say that all further communications will be done through mail and the use of the Emergency Broadcast System. Immediately following that statement the CBC was taken off the air for good, and air sirens could be heard in all the major cities of Canada.

In the following weeks the draft will go as planned and the training of all men and women aged 15-40 will commence. After only a short period of time the new Canadian military will embark on a campaign never before seen.

On December 01, 2006 the Canadian military starts the slow cross over the Atlantic Ocean. On December 25th, when nobody would expect anything to happen, Canada's military invades Germany. There will be many casualties on both sides, but after nearly 2 months of fighting, Canada will fully occupy Germany. Oddly enough, when the fighting will stop, the Canadian occupation will be welcomed by the Germans and celebration insues. An entire month of bratwurst and beer will be consumed. Canada will still honour the country by not changing its name too greatly. It will be known as New Germania.

Just for the sake of taking the country over, the new conjoined Germania and Canadian military invades Ireland on March 8th. They thought really it's a good move concidering their alcoholic past and their willingness to party. This occupation will only take a few days as there was little resistance. In typical Irish style, they complained, but they really did nothing to stop them. It will be known as New Newfoundland mainly because it sort of looks the same...

After the occupation of New Newfoundland, the once again even larger military will slowly make it's way to Australia. The USA under the guidance of their great "leader" George Bush declares war and will try to stop the Canadians before they can reach Australia. But in typical US fashion, they are unable to find the Canadian's. They continue to have the same problem with other people too... They could have just looked on a map, but nobody thought of that...

The military will storm the beaches of Australia on June 18th 2007. However the only Australian's that were there to greet the Canadian military were a bunch of sun bathers. So the Canadians figured why not and had a good old fashioned water slaughter. The beach goers got mowed own pretty easily, there was no resistance at all. After all, they were there on business, they can't show mercy now. The Australian governement didn't take kindly to this slaughter and brutal bloodshed came upon both factions. After 2.5 months of bloodshed the Australians finally were overtaken in a battle that will be known in the history books as the WWF Water Slaughter 2007. They will be forever known as Little Canada.

Now with the USA fighting in Iraq and by this time Iran, their troops were spread out very thin. That and with the general confusion on the part of George Dubya, there would be no problem taking over the good ole USA. However, not being able to find Canada on a map gave us a mighty strong advantage. So rather than fighting another bloody battle, especially right to our south, we had officials from New Newfoundland and Little Canada say there was a terrible earthquake and Canada sunk into the ocean and may be lost forever. It was also said that the only survivors were of the military and will take refuge in the newly aquired Canada's. Dubya offered his condolences and never found out the truth...

There you have it, the last known revelation about the future by Bortadamus.

P.S. I started to run out of idea's nearing the end, so if it sucks, too freakin bad! I'm tired and I've lost interest... And wow, after reading it, I've lost huge focus haha. Perhaps I'll redux it later on.

Monday, May 29, 2006

A Real Mans Simple Pleasure

There comes a time in every boys life when he realizes that he's no longer a boy. This usually happens around the ages of 12 or 13 when he reaches into the realm that is being a teenager. It is a time of change and wonderous new beginnings and it lasts usually around 8 years. Its also a time of pure hell. With sudden and massive flow of testosterone boys are plagued with pimples, squeeky voices and the urge to have sex with anything that moves, resulting in constant arousal. Scratch that thought. Men live in a state of constant arousal from birth to death and that results in wanting to have sex with anything that moves... I must take a line from Jeff Foxworthy. Men are always thinking the same thing; "I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something nekkid".

Anywho... At the conclusion of being a teen and having our feet firmly planted into the early 20's something crazy happens. Every boy makes a substantial tranformation into adulthood and becomes a man. For some it comes earlier than others, but it brings a vast new horizon too which will be travelled. At this point in every mans life they are already recognizing their place in society whether it be as a working man or a scholar. They, we, are men and are recognized as such.

There are many types of men in the world. Straight men, gay men, and the newly coined metrosexual men to name a few. They all have their place in society, and together with the help of women, create other men.

What I'm going to talk to you about today is about real men. And more specifically about the one real simple pleasure we all have. Now, I'm talking about real men here. I'm not talking about emotionally starved, laté drinking, pre packaged cool, guido haired, metrosexual, iPod using, hippie freaks here. I'm talking flannel wearing, knife sharpening, wood chopping, rugged, hairy, beer drinking, brauny, gods gift to women kind of man. The kind of man that another man, not a woman, can say "wow, now there's a real man!" And as a man myself, like all other men, we don't like to admit that there are manlier men than us. The thing is there are, and when we see them we know our place and will step out of their was as to not cause any awkward situation with them. It's one of the unspoken, unwritten rules of manhood.

Now every real man has a multitude of simple pleasures: first hot cup of coffee in the morning. Eating the last scoop of mashed potatoes at supper. A job finished. Seeing a beautiful woman. Making great time on that family trip. That cool breeze that flows over my bald, pasty, white body when outside barechested in the summer, that's just cool enough to make my nipples a bit too perky. Seeing a bear eat a monkey. Seeing the monkies troupe rally up to kill and eat the bear that just ate their monkey friend. Then upon realizing they just killed and ate a baby bear, climb up the lone tree as mommy bear comes out for payback and shakes the tree violently picking the monkies off one by one as they drop throwing them at the sharp rock face a few yards away. Doing this, the mommy bear inadvertantly was hurling monkies right at a cloaked Predator monster, thus damaging the cloak and making him angry. The Predator monster, now furious and out in plain sight goes apeshit and vapourizes the bear with his shoulder mounted laser gun. Upon doing so, an Alien monster jumps down and starts a hand to hand combat with the Predator monster. It was angry with the Predator monster, because it was sizing the bear and monkies up for a meal fit for a king. And now since they are gone, it's going to kill and eat the Predator monster. Going, blow for blow they were quite even in this ultimate mortal kombat when all of a sudden California Senator Arnold Swartzeneger comes out of the distant treeline and mows the Predator and Alien monsters down with is gattling gun saving not only the day, but the world from these barbaric and hostile alien races... You know what I'm getting at, the simple things...

Ok, so having said that, I am now going to talk about the one, the truest of the true simple pleasures that only a real man will ever experience. It's not A/C on a cold day, nor is it sex. It's so much more wonderful than anything a simple woman or unreal man could ever comprehend. I'm getting too it, hold your horses... But I imagine the suspense is killing you! It's the 1 wipe poo of course!

Since the dawn of time, man has beeng wiping his butt with various materials. From leaves, to sponges on sticks, yet the most comon, before the advent of toilet paper of course, was our very own God given, 4 finger 1 thumbed hand. You could ask a real man from 2006 or 12,000 BC what his simplest of pleasures are and they would ALL answer with "the 1 wipe poo." There's no question about it. It's just so damned satisfying it's scary. There is absolutly 100% nothing I can find wrong with it.

Lets disect it here for a moment. We've all heard the following phrase at one time or another: "Oh God, I gotta crap so bad I can taste it!" Well I gotta tell you ladies, and more imporantly, unreal men, we take pride in these types of poos. We sit down, stomach and intestines not feeling so great due to the built up preasure within. Then the release. It could be quick and explosive or slow and steady, but when it's done we feel like we've accomplished something. We also may have let forth a demon of which the world has not seen such wrath, but that's a whole other story.

At this point in the process we are usually pondering whether or not its going to be a big cleanup or a quick one. Sometimes you truely know, but sometimes you just don't. So when it comes time to wipe and there's nothing on the paper you know that God hath not forsaken you. It's truely a little miracle. We become so happy that there is no cleanup that something happens. A single tear runs down our cheek. It's a tear of happiness. There is only 1 thing in a mans life that should make him cry a tear of happiness, and thats the 1 wipe poo. Everything else is so meaningless that shedding a tear proves your not a real man and that you should be blugeoned to death by a barrage of dead watch batteries and stale gravey (I'd like to say on the record for those chefs out there, I know there is no such thing as gravey. It's brown sauce).

There really is only one way I can describe to you ladies and unreal men what it's like to have a 1 wipe poo. You know how women get pregnant right? Well, if you know this, then you know that when they give birth they go through a lot of pain and anguish. You'd also know that when giving birth there tends to be lots of blood and stitches in the poom poom region. Well, thats how men equate taking their craps each and every day. Now ladies, imagine if you will that you gave birth and there was no blood, stitches or cleanup of any kind. This is what a 1 wipe poo is like for a man. Simply put, its a gift from God.

So there you have it folks. The real mans simple pleasure. It truely is simple. And sooooooooo damned satisfying :)