A lesson in extreme gluttony Part 2: Annihilation of a species & the 7 deadly sins

As I sit here, thinking about the title shown above, many stories flood my memory. I may not nessassarily live the life of a glutton, but I do tend to over endulge when amongst friends and damned good food. One may say that I just contradicted myself and I did, but let me live the fantasy that is the lying glutton. Then again, I don't really lie. I just like to tell highly embelished far fetched stories, get people to buy into them, then tell them I just lied. Its funny the reactions I get. But I digress...

The fact of the matter is, I like to eat. I like to eat lots. But I don't particularilly enjoy eating bad food (though I have done this on many occasions). Which is why when the opportune moment strikes and good food presents itself, I tend to greatly exceed my food induction capacity. We all know what happens when one has induced too much food... We have to expend it somehow! But lets not get into that right now. Thats a whole other story! (pun intended!!!)

Food is a good thing, it helps us grow and it tastes good so how could that ever be a bad thing? Well, when you max your food induction capacity it tends to disagree with you. Generally you don't feel so good, and I, as well as a few of my friends felt this distress not 1 week ago... Here, is my story...

Myself, my 2 roommates and 2 close buddies of mine went to the classy Joey's Only Seafood last Saturday for the one and only all you can eat shrimp for $16.99! 5 hungry men with a pocket full of money and all you can eat shrimp is just asking for trouble. We all went in with a plan. Don't eat your side dishes, eat as many shrimp as you can and see who comes out victor this debacle. Well, we all order and the cute waitress didn't look suprised at all. She figured us out as soon as we waddled into the joint.

Whilst we waited, we drank, talked, laughed and had a great ole' tyme. I can't say we didn't disturb the other patrons, but when 5 guys get together, it tends to be a bit loud and jockular! So our first round comes and we pretty much smash them down in minutes. It started with 6 battered, 6 garlic butter, 6 lemon butter and 6 cajun. One of my sides was garlic bread and I couldn't resist the temtation. It was crying out to be eaten. So I ate it. This could have proven to my fatal mistake. But lets not get off topic. All in our party who ordered the garlic bread ate it, as they too could not withstand the cry of the tastey carby delight. One member of our party, lets call him, tVFM (the Vanilla From Manilla. Long story) decided he wanted to eat all of his sides. We all mocked him and proclaimed that he "doth not knoweth the way to Shangrilah!"

With that, our first round of shrimp was gone. The waitress came by and asked what we all wanted. So we all asked for shimp in multiples of 6. She came back about 5-10 minutes later with what we ordered. And again we smashed through them like a pack of dying wolves. But not baby wolves. They know not to bother the adults when consuming mass quantities of ocean meat! Anyways... Done with this latest batch of shrimp, we all count the pile of tails to see who's in the lead. So as not to forget my number, I, in a stroke of genius grab the bottle of tartar sauce and put the number 36 onto my pile of tails. This causes much laughter and probably jealousy due to me thinking of it, and not them.

A new batch was ordered, and again consumed in what seemed like a breath of air...The waitress comes around again, this time a bit faster as she could tell we were on some sort of mission. This time we order 48 cajun and 48 garlic butter. And rather than going to the back of the restraunt to give the cook the order, she just yells it from our table!!! It was friggen amazing! So now we have an audience watching us consume mass quantities of what is known in the bible as "unclean meat".

I must mention before I forget... I know all of you are wondering, the big question... Did I or did I not wear eatin' pants? Well folks, on a special occasion such as all you can eat shrimp... Your damned rights I wore my eatin' pants! WOOHOO!!! But I digress.

We happily finish off these 2 bowls of shrimp. tVFM and my basement roommate (BR) start feeling the effects of this gluttonous behaviour and start to slow. Myself, my upstairs roommate (UR), and my friend, we'll call him Dan (not his real name), are still good to go. Dan orders 6 battered just for some variety and the rest of us order 48 cajun and 48 lemon butter. Again she yells out the order for all to hear. Dan was insane as batter just adds weight and thus possibly ruining his chances for winning the title of Shrimp Induction Super Master!

So the newly ordered shrimp comes and after the few minute wait, we were all feeling pretty haggard. We ALL slowed down. Though this was a battle for the supreme right to call one the Shrimp Induction Super Master, so we couldn't give up now! We start eating and its getting slower and slower until we cannot eat anymore. Slowed to a stop, we all start counting our shrimp tails. Blast! I'm just a few shrimp shy of the leader UR with 100. I have 92. I must finish off whats left of the shrimp, and there's just enough to tie him! At this point the waitress comes around and comments on how bad we all look and asks about the score. We tell her, and she starts cheering me on to tie it up. At first I try to ignore her happy cheering, but she's so damned cute I can't help but try and please her. So with that I grab 4 and pound them back, and then 1 more. I start heaving as I cannot physically get anymore into myself. That and the only ones that were left were the lemon butter ones and they tasted like complete ass! Especially worse now that they were starting to cool down. I end the fiasco, eyes watering, trying not to puke. And the beautiful eatery wench saddend by my defeat goes to get the bill. The shrimp tail standing:

UR - 100
BR - 76
Me - 97
tVFM - 76
Dan - 74

Combined we ate at least 423 shrimp. I say at least because there were many shrimp with no tails! We all could have ate more, but the damned garlic bread probably filled us up. Now I know that most of you are thinking that they must have been small shrimp we were eating. No way. They were med-large size. Basically we asked the waitress how much we ate, and what they had left. Well... We ate 2 entire buckets of shrimp, and they only had 1 left for the rest of the people!!! OMG we laughed so hard it was funny. None of us felt very good, but we were men, and we knew we'd get over it.

So that was my story. But how does that tie into the rest of my title? As we all know, the oceans are becoming ever more empty. What was once a heavenly bounty is now starting to be nothing more than a massive haven for algae. And though some people may like eating algae, I for one don't. Its becoming a real problem. Its especially a problem when myself and 4 of my large mammal friends can't go out anymore to eat 2 barrels of shrimp! I mean 423 shrimp between 5 men, thats a pretty damned big feat of eating prowess! Now by my deductions, if only 5 of us ate 423 shrimp, and many other men could eat twice that amount... My God, there's gotta be a shortage happening somewhere! Its people like me who are contributing to the global decimation of the sea! But really. Can one man say he's a massive contributor to the decimation of a species? Perhaps not... But I'll be damned if I don't take credit! I've eaten probably what most people eat in 1 year in 1 sitting. Your damned rights I'm killing them off!

Just think, in 200 years when there are no more shrimp they'll be blaming it on me! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Grandma's and grandpa's around the world will be saying "Damned Bort and his fantastical eating abilities! What gave him the right to eat all them shrimps?" Notorious I will be. I say, what will you be remembered for? Thats right, a big fat wad of nothing! Haha! You all may have degrees or vegetable farms, but I'll be known for eating shrimp!

I should note, just for the record, that 1 week after our eating fiasco, Joey's Only stopped their all you can eat shrimp Saturday's. I would like to think that I was the cause of this. Perhaps its illusions of grandeur, or perhaps its just the fact that winter is closing in. Either way, I'll take credit where credits due. For I am a man and what I claim to be so, is so!

Now... How does this all tie into the 7 deadly sins? I'm glad you asked! I'm going to state the sin and then describe how my experience ties into each one:

Pride: I was damned proud to eat 97 shrimp. I mean, other than my UR, I ate everyone else under the table! I wish for my prides sake that I could have ate more than my UR, but the fact is I couldn't physically take any more in. My food induction unit is weak. But perhaps in time, with some training and excersize I'll overcome him in another shrimp decimation contest.

Greed: Well, I was greedy to horde so many shrimp. I also wish to eat more, and I will! I actually did a few days ago. Mmmm shrimp. I can't wait until I can eat some more!

Envy: I envy my UR for he surpassed even what I expected him to eat. I wish I had the food induction capacity that he has for I wish to be the shrimp decimation champion! Perhaps my greed will take me to new heights with regards to food induction.

Anger: I was actually angry that I couldn't inhale any more shrimp. I mean I really wanted to rap my UR in the Jack Johnson... It really bothered me. I figured he was all talk, but alas he was not. My anger, along with my greed and envy will drive me to eat until I can out eat my UR and any other challengers!

Lust: This one is pretty obvious. I lusted for the shrimp. I wanted to taste it... I wanted to smell it. I wanted to indulge in all that it had to offer me. Shrimp and only shrimp could cure my craving for massive stomache ache creation! I lusted and for it and I took it for all it was worth.

Sloth: I ate so damned much that I had to walk slower. Need I say more?

Gluttony: Ah yes, this is where it ends. With gluttony. I came, I saw and I became the glutton! Booyah! Nuff said.

In conclusion there is only one thing to say. I, B0rt... Am a friggen eating machine!