A Real Mans Simple Pleasure

There comes a time in every boys life when he realizes that he's no longer a boy. This usually happens around the ages of 12 or 13 when he reaches into the realm that is being a teenager. It is a time of change and wonderous new beginnings and it lasts usually around 8 years. Its also a time of pure hell. With sudden and massive flow of testosterone boys are plagued with pimples, squeeky voices and the urge to have sex with anything that moves, resulting in constant arousal. Scratch that thought. Men live in a state of constant arousal from birth to death and that results in wanting to have sex with anything that moves... I must take a line from Jeff Foxworthy. Men are always thinking the same thing; "I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something nekkid".

Anywho... At the conclusion of being a teen and having our feet firmly planted into the early 20's something crazy happens. Every boy makes a substantial tranformation into adulthood and becomes a man. For some it comes earlier than others, but it brings a vast new horizon too which will be travelled. At this point in every mans life they are already recognizing their place in society whether it be as a working man or a scholar. They, we, are men and are recognized as such.

There are many types of men in the world. Straight men, gay men, and the newly coined metrosexual men to name a few. They all have their place in society, and together with the help of women, create other men.

What I'm going to talk to you about today is about real men. And more specifically about the one real simple pleasure we all have. Now, I'm talking about real men here. I'm not talking about emotionally starved, laté drinking, pre packaged cool, guido haired, metrosexual, iPod using, hippie freaks here. I'm talking flannel wearing, knife sharpening, wood chopping, rugged, hairy, beer drinking, brauny, gods gift to women kind of man. The kind of man that another man, not a woman, can say "wow, now there's a real man!" And as a man myself, like all other men, we don't like to admit that there are manlier men than us. The thing is there are, and when we see them we know our place and will step out of their was as to not cause any awkward situation with them. It's one of the unspoken, unwritten rules of manhood.

Now every real man has a multitude of simple pleasures: first hot cup of coffee in the morning. Eating the last scoop of mashed potatoes at supper. A job finished. Seeing a beautiful woman. Making great time on that family trip. That cool breeze that flows over my bald, pasty, white body when outside barechested in the summer, that's just cool enough to make my nipples a bit too perky. Seeing a bear eat a monkey. Seeing the monkies troupe rally up to kill and eat the bear that just ate their monkey friend. Then upon realizing they just killed and ate a baby bear, climb up the lone tree as mommy bear comes out for payback and shakes the tree violently picking the monkies off one by one as they drop throwing them at the sharp rock face a few yards away. Doing this, the mommy bear inadvertantly was hurling monkies right at a cloaked Predator monster, thus damaging the cloak and making him angry. The Predator monster, now furious and out in plain sight goes apeshit and vapourizes the bear with his shoulder mounted laser gun. Upon doing so, an Alien monster jumps down and starts a hand to hand combat with the Predator monster. It was angry with the Predator monster, because it was sizing the bear and monkies up for a meal fit for a king. And now since they are gone, it's going to kill and eat the Predator monster. Going, blow for blow they were quite even in this ultimate mortal kombat when all of a sudden California Senator Arnold Swartzeneger comes out of the distant treeline and mows the Predator and Alien monsters down with is gattling gun saving not only the day, but the world from these barbaric and hostile alien races... You know what I'm getting at, the simple things...

Ok, so having said that, I am now going to talk about the one, the truest of the true simple pleasures that only a real man will ever experience. It's not A/C on a cold day, nor is it sex. It's so much more wonderful than anything a simple woman or unreal man could ever comprehend. I'm getting too it, hold your horses... But I imagine the suspense is killing you! It's the 1 wipe poo of course!

Since the dawn of time, man has beeng wiping his butt with various materials. From leaves, to sponges on sticks, yet the most comon, before the advent of toilet paper of course, was our very own God given, 4 finger 1 thumbed hand. You could ask a real man from 2006 or 12,000 BC what his simplest of pleasures are and they would ALL answer with "the 1 wipe poo." There's no question about it. It's just so damned satisfying it's scary. There is absolutly 100% nothing I can find wrong with it.

Lets disect it here for a moment. We've all heard the following phrase at one time or another: "Oh God, I gotta crap so bad I can taste it!" Well I gotta tell you ladies, and more imporantly, unreal men, we take pride in these types of poos. We sit down, stomach and intestines not feeling so great due to the built up preasure within. Then the release. It could be quick and explosive or slow and steady, but when it's done we feel like we've accomplished something. We also may have let forth a demon of which the world has not seen such wrath, but that's a whole other story.

At this point in the process we are usually pondering whether or not its going to be a big cleanup or a quick one. Sometimes you truely know, but sometimes you just don't. So when it comes time to wipe and there's nothing on the paper you know that God hath not forsaken you. It's truely a little miracle. We become so happy that there is no cleanup that something happens. A single tear runs down our cheek. It's a tear of happiness. There is only 1 thing in a mans life that should make him cry a tear of happiness, and thats the 1 wipe poo. Everything else is so meaningless that shedding a tear proves your not a real man and that you should be blugeoned to death by a barrage of dead watch batteries and stale gravey (I'd like to say on the record for those chefs out there, I know there is no such thing as gravey. It's brown sauce).

There really is only one way I can describe to you ladies and unreal men what it's like to have a 1 wipe poo. You know how women get pregnant right? Well, if you know this, then you know that when they give birth they go through a lot of pain and anguish. You'd also know that when giving birth there tends to be lots of blood and stitches in the poom poom region. Well, thats how men equate taking their craps each and every day. Now ladies, imagine if you will that you gave birth and there was no blood, stitches or cleanup of any kind. This is what a 1 wipe poo is like for a man. Simply put, its a gift from God.

So there you have it folks. The real mans simple pleasure. It truely is simple. And sooooooooo damned satisfying :)