Ah yes. As I sit here in the shambles that is my sleep chamber I admit that I'm drawn to todays date like a moth to light (read previous moth tales for a jolly good laugh). Today's date of course is June 6, 2006; ie 06/06/06 or as others would say 999, but thats just the dyslexics. And as we have all come to know through popular belief, 666 is the mark of the beast.
Who is this "beast" I speak of? Well he's also known as beelzebub, devil, lucifer, prince of darkness, satan, demon, death, and Alex Trebek. I know your all thinking "how could Alex Trebek be the devil?" Well, only the devil could know as much as him. Everyone knows the cards he holds are blank. Think about it...
Anyway... Whether or not you believe that 666 is the mark of the beast is irrelavant as there have been many more before you that have, and currently do. Now with this belief comes much folklore and even more prophecy. Whether its about the devil or just the date of 6/6/6 many names, theories and prophecies come to mind. Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, the book of Revelations and the ancient Mayan's are on that forefront of these prophecies. The one thing that all of these prophecies have in common is this: Doom. Armageddon, the end of days, the apocalypse. Name it what you will, it all means the same thing. The end of the world as we know it. Many of these prophecies have specific dates, but none could be more appealing to write about than to have the impending doom fall on 666. It's just too perfect a scenario to not have an end of the world theory on that day. It doesn't matter if its June 6 of the year 06 or June 6 of 10,006, there will be stories abound.
I've read my share of apocalypse prophecy and though they are extremely intriguing, and sometimes even thought provokingly scary, there is no real fire and brimstone like there was in the
book of Revelations. There is definitely no horror story better than the book of Revelations, and there is even less that is as exciting to read. Keeping this in mind, there is not too many satirical stories out there and even less that have anything to do specifically with Canada. So I've taken it upon myself to write something to entertain the masses. Not only will it be scary, but it will be thought provoking. Probably some humor too, but we'll see how I'm feeling. This is my story...
The Beerpocalypse according to B0rtadamus
It is said by other prophets that in the distant future, armageddon may be upon us. But I emplore you, the people of Canada, think not of your day of judgement, for there is something more dire on the horizon. Take heed for what I am about to proclaim will only bring shock and horror to this great nation.
In the year of our Lord, 2006 on the 6th day of the 6th month a catastrophe of epic proportions will fall upon the great nation of Canada. On this day at aproximately 6:66AM in a research lab located at the University of Calgary, a scientist named Lamien son of Ducifer will make a discovery. It will be a discovery that can only be toted as a gift from God. Lamien will finally, after 66 years of work create a new enzyme within Hops that will effectively make beer self-cooling. It will never have to be refridgerated and it will certainly never have to be drank warm again.
Later that day Lamien will tout his new wonderous creation to the people of Canada on the CBC evening news. The people of Canada will rejoice and celebrate Lamien's accomplishment by taking the rest of the week off and getting smashed on this now old yet still refreshing style of beer.
A few days later Lamien will start mass production of his Hops and will make millions by selling this product to all the brewries in Canada. During the mass production there will be a fire at the UofC, but it won't destroy the new Hops, it will do something much worse. During the fire there will be an explosion and the hops will mutate. A chemical reaction in the new enzymes will cause a natural ticking timebomb within the plant. Upon early gestation of the newly formed plant, a rapid growth of microscopic spores will be released that will be fed upon by a long dormant, and thought to be harmless single celled organism found in soil.
This organism will not only destroy these new hops, but also the regular hops used for centuries. It will decimate the fields of Canada, and it will destroy the new beer being brewed in all the breweries. The destruction will be swift and violent as the organisms are spred through the air. All the beer within Canada will cease to exist in the first quarter of 2007.
All the other countries of the world will somehow not become infected with the same problem. It was almost as if they all knew what was coming and were prepared with a vaccine for their hops fields.
In the year of our lord 2006, on the 9th month on the 4th day Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper will begin agriculture trade talks with all the major hops producing countries of the world: USA, Germany, and Australia. They decide they will sell us their hops. However, seeing Canada in this position, these 3 countries will decide to inflate 100 fold the price of their hops. This price will only affect us in Canada, it will not affect the population of their own countries. They wished to price gouge in the hopes of becoming a "have" countries.
The next day Prime Minster Harper will present a plea for help in front of the UN council asking them to put a lower price levy on the hops. The UN will find this plea humorous and even a little ironic. The fact that the largest beer drinking country in the world was begging for lower hops prices. In a unanimous vote the UN decides not to lower the the price on hops for Canada. They finished with quote: "Canada has up until now been known for their great beers, but they have also been know for their high percentage of alcoholics. The UN has decided in the favor of no price levy as we do not wish Canada to turn into a place of drunken debauchery in the way Ireland has."
Completely outraged by this, the Canadian public start rioting in the streets and demanding that something more be done or else face the possibility of civil war. So on September 6th Prime Minister Harper will appear in a highly anticipated state of the hops press conferance on the CBC network. Harper will address the problem and then speak about how it will be remedied.
In a complete Conservative change of face, Harper will speak of major cuts to all "uneeded government funded programs". He will cut funding from education, healthcare, welfare and yes, even the CBC to put every cent into the WWF (World War Fund). He will then go on to explain the largest draft in the military history of the world. All able bodied men and women between ages 15-40 will be called to arms to fight in the war coined as the "Beerpocalypse". "We're going to war Canada, we must take over the beer drinking countries of the world!" Harper then went on to say that all further communications will be done through mail and the use of the Emergency Broadcast System. Immediately following that statement the CBC was taken off the air for good, and air sirens could be heard in all the major cities of Canada.
In the following weeks the draft will go as planned and the training of all men and women aged 15-40 will commence. After only a short period of time the new Canadian military will embark on a campaign never before seen.
On December 01, 2006 the Canadian military starts the slow cross over the Atlantic Ocean. On December 25th, when nobody would expect anything to happen, Canada's military invades Germany. There will be many casualties on both sides, but after nearly 2 months of fighting, Canada will fully occupy Germany. Oddly enough, when the fighting will stop, the Canadian occupation will be welcomed by the Germans and celebration insues. An entire month of bratwurst and beer will be consumed. Canada will still honour the country by not changing its name too greatly. It will be known as New Germania.
Just for the sake of taking the country over, the new conjoined Germania and Canadian military invades Ireland on March 8th. They thought really it's a good move concidering their alcoholic past and their willingness to party. This occupation will only take a few days as there was little resistance. In typical Irish style, they complained, but they really did nothing to stop them. It will be known as New Newfoundland mainly because it sort of looks the same...
After the occupation of New Newfoundland, the once again even larger military will slowly make it's way to Australia. The USA under the guidance of their great "leader" George Bush declares war and will try to stop the Canadians before they can reach Australia. But in typical US fashion, they are unable to find the Canadian's. They continue to have the same problem with other people too... They could have just looked on a map, but nobody thought of that...
The military will storm the beaches of Australia on June 18th 2007. However the only Australian's that were there to greet the Canadian military were a bunch of sun bathers. So the Canadians figured why not and had a good old fashioned water slaughter. The beach goers got mowed own pretty easily, there was no resistance at all. After all, they were there on business, they can't show mercy now. The Australian governement didn't take kindly to this slaughter and brutal bloodshed came upon both factions. After 2.5 months of bloodshed the Australians finally were overtaken in a battle that will be known in the history books as the WWF Water Slaughter 2007. They will be forever known as Little Canada.
Now with the USA fighting in Iraq and by this time Iran, their troops were spread out very thin. That and with the general confusion on the part of George Dubya, there would be no problem taking over the good ole USA. However, not being able to find Canada on a map gave us a mighty strong advantage. So rather than fighting another bloody battle, especially right to our south, we had officials from New Newfoundland and Little Canada say there was a terrible earthquake and Canada sunk into the ocean and may be lost forever. It was also said that the only survivors were of the military and will take refuge in the newly aquired Canada's. Dubya offered his condolences and never found out the truth...
There you have it, the
last known revelation about the future by Bortadamus.
P.S. I started to run out of idea's nearing the end, so if it sucks, too freakin bad! I'm tired and I've lost interest... And wow, after reading it, I've lost huge focus haha. Perhaps I'll redux it later on.
