Bannock and deer balls...

The trials and tribulations of the bachelor are known to most people of the world. I bet you could talk to poor kids in Uganda and they would be able to tell you stories they've heard of the beast known as the North American Bachelor. The dictionary describes the bachelor as:

bach·e·lor Pronunciation (bch-lr, bchlr)
n.

1. An unmarried man.
2. A person who has completed the undergraduate curriculum of a college or university and holds a bachelor's degree.
3. A male animal that does not mate during the breeding season, especially a young male fur seal kept from the breeding territory by older males.
4. A young knight in the service of another knight in feudal times.

Now I'd say that all but #2 applies to the general populous of this globe, its just a simple fact, so we might as well own up to it. So as a bachelor with 2 roommates whom also happen to be bachelors, it can get kind of... well odd we'll say. Generally its kind of disgusting around here, as it should be with bachelorhood. Garbage that gets taken out only when the stench becomes to unbearable to live with. Dishes piled up 10 feet high, beer bottles everywhere, grass in the yard is 5 feet tall and only gets cut once a month, the a-typical single male household. And with single males usually comes mass consumption of beer and pizza, of course we all know the outcome of this... Constant farting and jockularity of course! There would be no other way in the realm of the man! I mean can you think of anything that is less manly than farting and jockularity?!?! I sure can't. And here is my story...

Picture it, two days ago... I leave work 15 minutes early as if to say "Hello world! I'm here, lets do stuff!". It felt good. It wasn't just regular good either. It was the kind of good that you feel after taking a large crap. Like you are ready to take on anything. Little known to me, I was just about to take on that challenge... On the way home I have a sing-a-long with Ray Charles, but thats pretty normal. Chuck and I are good buddies. Everyone calls him Ray, so I call him Chuck. Its just a friendly thing between us. Unknown to most, I'm actually pretty good pals with B.B. King, Clapton and SRV to name a few. All the greats really. But today, it was Chuck and myself. The good ole' boys we call ourselves. We have a grande old time singing our favorite tunes; Mess Around, Hit the Road Jack and The Right Time. But alas our little journey was over and I had to bid Chuck good day. I tipped my hat to him, and with that, I was off up the path to my house. I enter and yell out "Salutations!" to my roommate in the basement, to which he retorts "Ah yes. Good day to you sir!" Not only is he one of my roommates, we are work buddies. He was also able to leave early today too, a bit more than 15 minutes though. But boy'o'boy, if I felt ready to take on the world I couldn't imagine how enervated he must have felt! With our friendly vocular exchange now over, I make way to my sleeping chamber. Ahhhh yes, my sleep chamber. Not only filled with my amazing Sealy Posturpedic bed, but also it contains my fabulous computer! My main form of entertainment. I talk to friends, play games, watch po.... Uhhh.. Watch movies. It's fantastic!!! I usually take great pleasure being encased within my sleep chamber. However, little did I know that today was shaping up to be quite different. I'm sitting on my comfy computer chair reading over the days email and forum posts. Afterall, I have to keep up with the times somehow! As I'm foraging for things to read on the information highway I hear my other roommate pull up in his car. I can tell his car from all others due to his muffler, its quite the distinctive sound. That and his is the only car you can hear the stereo from down the road! As usual he's getting home from work and lumbers into the house. But today somethings different, I don't know what, but you can just tell these things. It just so happens that his sleep chamber is directly across from mine, so as he walks by I greet him with a "Salutations!!!". He stands in the doorway and retorts with "I ate Indian food today, I gotta take a crap!" I chuckle and say "Ah, too much bannock and deer balls eh?" He laughs heartily as he usually does. Afterall, I am quite witty! He says "No man, too much curry. Not doin' so good." I knew what he meant, for I too had been witness to the evil that is curry. Some people think that hot wings give a burning ring of fire, but curry gives a whole other sort of pain. Its the kind of pain that can only be described as... I suppose its about as painful as death by thumb tacks. Lets just say its not a pretty scene. Anyways... He goes into his room and takes off his shorts, then comes out and walks down the hall in his t-shirt and boxers. "I'm going to the bathing chamber" he says. Whatever... He goes there all the time. Usually I contaminate the bathing chamber worse than he does so I think nothing of it. I hear the hatch close. Then all of a sudden my sleep chamber is overcome by a smell so horrid... So vile... So evil... Its like the god of shit and all his little shit minions were playing a game of football and my sleep chamber was the line of scrimmage!!! Bleh! It was bad. It was the kind of bad that as a man, you have to recognize and appreciate the fact that another man created it. So I yell through the wall "Guy! Thats friggen nasty!!!!" Shocked he yells back "Dude, I haven't done anything yet!". After he said that, we both start laughing really hard. Him because he hasn't shat yet, and I because something clearly was released from his ass and though it may not have been solid it was definately there! So I sit in my sleep chamber choking a bit. Yet to my horror, this fiasco wasn't over... Not by a long shot. I continue my foray for information on the www when all of a sudden, something even more horrid... More vile... More evil seeped into my sleep chamber! This time the god and his shit minions didn't stop, they were causing havok, flinging pieces of themselves everywhere. OMG! I didn't know smells of this magnitude could actually come from a single human being! Just then our basement roommate walks in and just about passes out. "Damnit, what the hell did he eat?!?!? The stink is so thick you can chew it!!!!". We both laugh not because its just a funny statemtent, but because its damn near true! "Turn on my fan!" I order. He turns it on but it does nothing to dispense the wrath of the shit minions, rather it just swooshes them around the chamber at a greater velocity. "Guy, lets go to the gym NOW and get out of this stink palace." He agrees and we leave the house in the hopes that God will peform an exorcism and dispense of the shit demons. On our way out of the house he asks me "What the hell did he eat?". And I reply "Bannock and deerballs... Bannock... And deerballs..."