Bannock and deer balls...

The trials and tribulations of the bachelor are known to most people of the world. I bet you could talk to poor kids in Uganda and they would be able to tell you stories they've heard of the beast known as the North American Bachelor. The dictionary describes the bachelor as:

bach·e·lor Pronunciation (bch-lr, bchlr)
n.

1. An unmarried man.
2. A person who has completed the undergraduate curriculum of a college or university and holds a bachelor's degree.
3. A male animal that does not mate during the breeding season, especially a young male fur seal kept from the breeding territory by older males.
4. A young knight in the service of another knight in feudal times.

Now I'd say that all but #2 applies to the general populous of this globe, its just a simple fact, so we might as well own up to it. So as a bachelor with 2 roommates whom also happen to be bachelors, it can get kind of... well odd we'll say. Generally its kind of disgusting around here, as it should be with bachelorhood. Garbage that gets taken out only when the stench becomes to unbearable to live with. Dishes piled up 10 feet high, beer bottles everywhere, grass in the yard is 5 feet tall and only gets cut once a month, the a-typical single male household. And with single males usually comes mass consumption of beer and pizza, of course we all know the outcome of this... Constant farting and jockularity of course! There would be no other way in the realm of the man! I mean can you think of anything that is less manly than farting and jockularity?!?! I sure can't. And here is my story...

Picture it, two days ago... I leave work 15 minutes early as if to say "Hello world! I'm here, lets do stuff!". It felt good. It wasn't just regular good either. It was the kind of good that you feel after taking a large crap. Like you are ready to take on anything. Little known to me, I was just about to take on that challenge... On the way home I have a sing-a-long with Ray Charles, but thats pretty normal. Chuck and I are good buddies. Everyone calls him Ray, so I call him Chuck. Its just a friendly thing between us. Unknown to most, I'm actually pretty good pals with B.B. King, Clapton and SRV to name a few. All the greats really. But today, it was Chuck and myself. The good ole' boys we call ourselves. We have a grande old time singing our favorite tunes; Mess Around, Hit the Road Jack and The Right Time. But alas our little journey was over and I had to bid Chuck good day. I tipped my hat to him, and with that, I was off up the path to my house. I enter and yell out "Salutations!" to my roommate in the basement, to which he retorts "Ah yes. Good day to you sir!" Not only is he one of my roommates, we are work buddies. He was also able to leave early today too, a bit more than 15 minutes though. But boy'o'boy, if I felt ready to take on the world I couldn't imagine how enervated he must have felt! With our friendly vocular exchange now over, I make way to my sleeping chamber. Ahhhh yes, my sleep chamber. Not only filled with my amazing Sealy Posturpedic bed, but also it contains my fabulous computer! My main form of entertainment. I talk to friends, play games, watch po.... Uhhh.. Watch movies. It's fantastic!!! I usually take great pleasure being encased within my sleep chamber. However, little did I know that today was shaping up to be quite different. I'm sitting on my comfy computer chair reading over the days email and forum posts. Afterall, I have to keep up with the times somehow! As I'm foraging for things to read on the information highway I hear my other roommate pull up in his car. I can tell his car from all others due to his muffler, its quite the distinctive sound. That and his is the only car you can hear the stereo from down the road! As usual he's getting home from work and lumbers into the house. But today somethings different, I don't know what, but you can just tell these things. It just so happens that his sleep chamber is directly across from mine, so as he walks by I greet him with a "Salutations!!!". He stands in the doorway and retorts with "I ate Indian food today, I gotta take a crap!" I chuckle and say "Ah, too much bannock and deer balls eh?" He laughs heartily as he usually does. Afterall, I am quite witty! He says "No man, too much curry. Not doin' so good." I knew what he meant, for I too had been witness to the evil that is curry. Some people think that hot wings give a burning ring of fire, but curry gives a whole other sort of pain. Its the kind of pain that can only be described as... I suppose its about as painful as death by thumb tacks. Lets just say its not a pretty scene. Anyways... He goes into his room and takes off his shorts, then comes out and walks down the hall in his t-shirt and boxers. "I'm going to the bathing chamber" he says. Whatever... He goes there all the time. Usually I contaminate the bathing chamber worse than he does so I think nothing of it. I hear the hatch close. Then all of a sudden my sleep chamber is overcome by a smell so horrid... So vile... So evil... Its like the god of shit and all his little shit minions were playing a game of football and my sleep chamber was the line of scrimmage!!! Bleh! It was bad. It was the kind of bad that as a man, you have to recognize and appreciate the fact that another man created it. So I yell through the wall "Guy! Thats friggen nasty!!!!" Shocked he yells back "Dude, I haven't done anything yet!". After he said that, we both start laughing really hard. Him because he hasn't shat yet, and I because something clearly was released from his ass and though it may not have been solid it was definately there! So I sit in my sleep chamber choking a bit. Yet to my horror, this fiasco wasn't over... Not by a long shot. I continue my foray for information on the www when all of a sudden, something even more horrid... More vile... More evil seeped into my sleep chamber! This time the god and his shit minions didn't stop, they were causing havok, flinging pieces of themselves everywhere. OMG! I didn't know smells of this magnitude could actually come from a single human being! Just then our basement roommate walks in and just about passes out. "Damnit, what the hell did he eat?!?!? The stink is so thick you can chew it!!!!". We both laugh not because its just a funny statemtent, but because its damn near true! "Turn on my fan!" I order. He turns it on but it does nothing to dispense the wrath of the shit minions, rather it just swooshes them around the chamber at a greater velocity. "Guy, lets go to the gym NOW and get out of this stink palace." He agrees and we leave the house in the hopes that God will peform an exorcism and dispense of the shit demons. On our way out of the house he asks me "What the hell did he eat?". And I reply "Bannock and deerballs... Bannock... And deerballs..."

Man vs. Moth Part Deux: Damsel in distress

Ah yes... Another battle between man and moth. How long can it go on before one is the successor? Will this age old war ever stop? Or will it continue until there is an epic end on the battlefield with no survivors on either side? We are far from this outcome, however there will be smaller skirmishes for milenia until the final resolve. This... is my second story...


It is late as I lay in the living room awaiting the coming sleep. I ponder the goings on of the day. It was a good day. Excitment, adventure, but I must keep my head as a "Jedi craves not these things". As I ponder the days events, the fair maiden now in her sleeping chamber is getting ready for a date with the sandman (for you dense folks, that means time for bed hahaha!!! I slay me!...). She steps out of the sleeping chamber and I must say looks dashing in her teddy bear pj's. Her cat Cricket rubs up to her leg in as if to say hello, I missed you while you were changing. I say "nice jammies". With a smile she happily retorts with "thanks!". She said she'd only be a minute before we could chat, and with that she turned t'wards the bathing chamber to finish her nightly cleansing ritual. As the maiden enters the bathing chamber and turns on the light she lets forth a screem so horrid it was as if she had seen death himself! My thoughts are broken as I dart up to see what evil hath come upon this fair maiden. She runs out clearly shocked by what happend waving her hands around her head as if something horrible had jumped into her hair. "Whats the matter?" I cried with concern. "There's a moth in there" she wailed in complete terror. Haha, silly girl I think to myself, but dare not say or face dire consequences. She throws the cat in the bathing chamber and commands it to fel the vile beast! The cat just stares up at the ceiling in puzzlement as it cannot yet see the bombarding moth. "Don't worry m'lady" I say. "I'll dispense of the evil, but you must stay back for I fear you may get assaulted yet again if not careful." With that, she steps back and allows me to do my job. The job that I was born to do. The job that men for millions of years have been doing to protect their loved ones... Kill moths! Not thinking in the rush of the moment I failed to close the escape hatch! (for all you dense people, that means the door! LOL... ok I'll stop!) I assume the position* (see first man vs moth post for details on "the position") and begin the mission to down the vile beast. I look up and I see it diving towards me, "AHHH" I yell and duck out of the way. It then makes its way to the inevitible bombardment of the light fixture. Smug little bastard thinks he can get away with dive bombing me?!?!? I'll show him pain like a moth has never felt pain before!!! I start swatting at it with both my hands. "Damn..." he's just out of my reach, but I continue to fight. I'm careful not to break the lighting fixure as its very delicate and don't want the damsel to be angry. I use my Jedi mind trick and it starts to come right for me. "Quick, I have to stop it before it gets me" I think. With that I muster all the strength a man can muster and swat him down. "VICTORY!!!" I cry as I believe the beast has succumb to defeat. But as I look down, I notice that there is still life in this moth. "WHY WON'T YOU DIE!" I yell in anger. Ahhhhhhh, but I have the advantage this time you smug little bastard... For not only do I have the advantage of being being multitudes larger, you my friend, are in the sink... I chuckle at the fate that only I know is coming. "I thought you had me moth. But now I'm sending you home..." With that, I jam my left hand into the sink cupping the moth firmly as to wound him, not fatally, just enough so that he cannot get away. "I like seeing you squirm" I say as I remove my hand. I chuckled as I turned on the sink. Slowly at first just to let the moth know what was coming. Then I cranked it up. The water overcomes him and is sucked into the watery depths that he will call home for eternity. Perhaps he knew, or perhaps he didn't, but he didn't cry or beg for me to stop. He knew it was his time, and though not ready to accept the painful and slow death, he took it like a good moth should. Silently... That smug little bastard fought cowardly this time, attacking an inocent dame. Lucky for her I was here to save the day. I turn on the water once more and wash my bloodied hands. As I leave the bathing chamber, I see the fair maiden smiling happily. I say to her "I have sent that vile beast back to the hell from wence it came." She ran over and hugged me, the kind of hug that only a damsel in distress could give. Sweet and inocent like the love of a child. And with that, she enters the bathing chamber to finish her cleansing ritual. And I. I lay back down in the living room trying to forget the blood that I just spilled. Silently, I pray... "Its not my time to go moth. Not yet. Not yet..."

What if?

I tend to ponder the universe and all that it holds within its endless space. I've decided many things to hold true about the vastness that is the universe, and one of them is that virtually anything could happen. If you think pigs cannot fly, you might be right, but you may also be wrong. Consider the multiverse for a moment. Every choice, every decision, everything down to the atom or string (check out super string theory and more specifically Brian Greene) that does one thing, there is an alternative universe that has done the opposite. I for one believe that in one of the infinite pages of the multiverse that there is a pig that can fly, I mean why the hell couldn't it?

I guess my main point is that the universe is controlled right down to each individual atom and even smaller. And seeing that scientifically I cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God, I've come to the conclusion that its not just the randomness of the universe, but it is God that is in control of everything. Now, what if this is all just a really dirty joke being played on us by God. Keeping the previous thought in mind, I'm going to throw an idea out there. What if I was the object that holds the entire balance of the universe together. Chances are greatly in favor of me NOT being that unifying object, but what if I'm right and I am that balance. I mean why the hell couldn't I be? I can't for with 100% certainty say that I'm not, but I can also claim that I am and I might be right! Wouldn't that be crazy if I was in fact that unifying balance? I suppose the only way for us to know if I am that balance is for me to die and see what happens. I however don't want to die, at least not for a very very long time. So I now present a few situations:

1) I actually am the balance that holds everything together due to some sick cosmic joke. When I die, the entire multiverse will collapse onto itself and everything will become nothing. Now we could test out the theory by killing me. But why would you test that theory? If I'm right, then you will all die horrible deaths the moment after I'm gone.

2) I'm not the balance that holds everything together. Nothing will happen after I die, other than me being in Heaven and my friends and family mourn.

Conclusion:

I for one really don't think we should test my theory out. I mean, if I am right and the multiverse collapses, whats the point? The test would have been done for nothing other than to prove me wrong. But then you'd all cease to exist too and nothing will have been gained from this experiment. And if my theory is incorrect, then you'll just have one more dead guy and a disproven crazy theory and what good is all that? Suffice it to say, either way you look at it, no good can come from my death regardless if I'm right of if I'm wrong. Now having pondered this theory at great length I've come to this final conclusion. I'm going to believe that I am this unifying object and though I should not be worshiped, I should be looked upon with awe and wonder. Protection (ie; my posse) shall be around at all times trying to prevent my death, and scientists all over the world will come together and work on something to keep me alive forever, even if I'm not fully conscious. This is to ensure that humanity can continue to exist for countless thousands more years. I mean hell, if I'm wrong, whats the harm in keeping me alive forever just in case...

Social downfall of society: Part 1 Ebonics

It has come to my attention that ebonics is going to be taught in a San Bernardino school. Here is the article:

Ebonics suggested for district

By Irma Lemus Staff Writer

SAN BERNARDINO Incorporating Ebonics into a new school policy that targets black students, the lowest-achieving group in the San Bernardino City Unified School District, may provide students a more well-rounded curriculum, said a local sociologist.

The goal of the district's policy is to improve black students' academic performance by keeping them interested in school. Compared with other racial groups in the district, black students go to college the least and have the most dropouts and suspensions.

Blacks make up the second largest racial group in the district, trailing Latinos.

A pilot of the policy, known as the Students Accumulating New Knowledge Optimizing Future Accomplishment Initiative, has been implemented at two city schools.

Mary Texeira, a sociology professor at Cal State San Bernardino, commended the San Bernardino Board of Education for approving the policy in June.

Texeira suggested that including Ebonics in the program would be beneficial for students. Ebonics, a dialect of American English that is spoken by many blacks throughout the country, was recognized as a separate language in 1996 by the Oakland school board.

"Ebonics is a different language, it's not slang as many believe,' Texeira said. "For many of these students Ebonics is their language, and it should be considered a foreign language. These students should be taught like other students who speak a foreign language.'

Texeira said research has shown that students learn better when they fully comprehend the language they are being taught in.

"There are African Americans who do not agree with me. They say that (black students) are lazy and that they need to learn to talk,' Texeira said.

Len Cooper, who is coordinating the pilot program at the two city schools, said San Bernardino district officials do not plan to incorporate Ebonics into the program.

"Because Ebonics can have a negative stigma, we're not focusing on that,' Cooper said. "We are affirming and recognizing Ebonics through supplemental reading books (for students).'

Beginning in the 2005-06 school year, teachers will receive training on black culture and customs. District curriculum will now include information on the historical, cultural and social impact of blacks in society. Although the program is aimed at black students, other students can choose to participate.

The pilot program at Rio Vista Elementary and King Middle schools focuses on second-, fourth- and seventh-grade classes. District officials hope to train teachers from other schools using the program as a model.

Board member Danny Tillman, who pushed for the policy, said that full implementation of the program at all schools may take years, but the pilot program is a beginning.

"At every step we will see positive results,' Tillman said.

Tillman hoped the new policy would increase the number of black students going to college and participating in advanced courses.

Teresa Parra, board vice president, said she worried the new program would have an adverse effect.

"I'm afraid that now that we have this the Hispanic community, our largest population, will say, 'We want something for us.' Next we'll have the Asian community and the Jewish community (asking for their own programs). When will it end?'

Parra said the district should focus on helping all students who are at risk.

"I've always thought that we should provide students support based on their needs and not on their race,' Parra said.

Tillman disagreed with Parra, saying programs that help Latinos already exist in the district. He cited the district's English- as-a-second-language program.

Texeira urged people not be quick to judge the new program as socially exclusive. She said people need to be open to the program.

"Everybody has prejudices, but we must all learn to control that behavior,' Texeira said. She said a child's self confidence is tied to his or her cultural identity.

She compared the low performance of black students to starvation. "How can you be angry when you feed a family of starving children?'

Ratibu Jacocks, a member of the Westside Action Group, a coalition of black activists, said they are working with the district to ensure the policy is implemented appropriately.

"This isn't a feel-good policy. This is the real thing,' Jacocks said.

Jacocks said he didn't believe the new policy would create animosity. He said he welcomed the idea of other ethnic groups pushing for their own programs.

"When you are doing what's right, others will follow,' Jacocks said. "We have led the way before the civil-rights movement opened the door for women's rights and other movements.'

The article can be found here.



My thoughts as I posted on a popular forum earlier... (I'll also highlight a few of my favorite parts)


Oh my God! Seriously... Its shit like this that is becoming the downfall of social society... Ebonics is NOT a language, its a damn copout from real language. They said it has cultural significance, but thats major bull! If you go to Africa you'll hear them speaking AFRICAN or FRENCH or ENGLIGH, not friggen ebonics! I was going to say that the closest racial language to ebonics would be Jamaican, but even that is a stretch. Teaching ebonics is telling me that its ok to sound like a retard, but I guess because a teacher says its 'all okay to be up in der' then its fine...

I'd like to see them do this, then I'd like to see what percentage of these ebonic speaking kids grow up to get meaningful jobs. Imagine listening to a lawyer speaking ebonics!... Yo, membahs uf da elustrious jury. Dis heah beotch did some nazty shizit to muh klient Tea Box. Dat krazy ass mofo got all up into Tea Box's fayce den pistoh whiped dah nigguh's ass. Der ain't no playce fo diz kinda sheot on da streetz yo........

You'll never see it. No person who speaks fluent ebonics and nothing else will get a good job like that, unless they can speak real English (or any other language) properly. And don't get me wrong, I'm not just signaling out black people, or any person who speaks ebonics. But think about it. How many hillbilly laywers or doctors do you see? None! Suffice it to say, if you sound like a retard you'll be treated like one. Doesn't matter what color your skin or what your race, it's just not going to happen...

Datz it fo now, peez out nigguhs!

Mystery dessert created!!!

Hearyee hearyee!!! Let it be known that the mystery dessert has been created! It took some time, some creativity, but in the end it turned out wonderfully! It has been tested by 3 people and was given a 6 thumbs up ranking. Now we need to make the film short and take pic's to show the world my extreme dessert taste sensation! No animals were harmed in the creation of this dessert.

Actually... The death of 3 chickens prior to the dessert made for a bbq treat!!!

Starvin' with Louis?

I've come to pass with a little piece of comedic heaven on the internet known as Starvin' with Louis. They are a group of roommates that work in the Boston film industry who are a little down on luck, but have amassed a large internet following. What are the interweb geeks like me following? They are following the current 2 episode cooking genius, Louis, in his attempt to make quality meals out of Raman noodles. I personally think its fabulous! There are only 2 episodes, but they are extremely funny and I highly suggest that you watch them. Now I don't want to ruin it for all you Starvin' with Louis virgins, but at the end of the second episode he made a Raman desert and then dared us to come up with a better idea. Well folks, the time has come... The time has come to finally unleash the firey genius trapped within myself. I have come up with the ultimate Raman desert! It is not for the fient of heart. It is not for the flavor challenged. I single handedly have come up with a desert made with Raman that is so unbelievabley original that it will blow all your minds! What is this dessert you ask? Well... Its a secret :) I need to purchase the ingredients and have someone with a video camera come over and document on film this amazing dessert revelation of mine. There will be pictures, and there will most definately be video of this sensational event, but until this time of creation comes to pass, you'll all just have to imagine what sort of crazy adventure this dessert will send the world on!

Man vs. Moth

Ah yes, the epic battle that has raged since the dawn of time, Man vs. Moth. Over the centuries the battles have been waged, some won by moth and some won by man, but this war will be an everlasting one with perhaps no true winner. Until we are faced with the end of days, it is a war we'll continue to wage and I for one will never give up the hope for a moth free world. This is my story...

As I sit here, talking about the war between man and moth, I ponder the fateful battle I waged upon said moth not 30 minutes ago. I sit here staring into the vast and wonderous web when I hear that ever so distinct flap and hum of the viscious beast only known as "moth". I look up and to my surprise it has not yet started the bombardment of the light fixture. I hurridly rush into *battle positon (see * below for details) and take up defense by standing on my bed. Like usual the swatting motion I'm doing with my left hand is futile. The dam moth, all smug, taunting me by staying just out of my reflexive reach. Just then, the bastard starts the bombardment of my light fixture. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I cry like Darth Vader upon this oh so bitter defeat. "How will I ever get the smug little bastard now?" I think to myself... Just then I notice that I have a can of compressed air sitting on my desk and hastily grab it. We all know that canned air is basically Liquid Nitrogen in spray form, so I make ready for my full on assault. "Swooosh" comes from the can as I let a large get of freezing air into the little bugger but to no avail, he just moved to the other side of the fixture. Again with the full on assault, not giving him any leverage, I spray again! Again he has foiled my frostbite in a can assault on his fuzzy little body. I can't give up now, this room ain't big enough for the both of us, and moth, I an't leavin'! A third time I spray him and AHAH! He is sprayed out of the fixture, smashes into the wall and falls to the floor. HOORAY, Victory is mine! Or is it... The moth landed on his back and is squirming a bit, but lucky for me, I have the kleenex in my opposite hand. So I dive and grab his smug bastard ass into this kleenex and finish him off with one fel swoop. Grabbed and killed all whilst wearing the robe and final resting place that is kleenex. The funeral procession led to the toilet and though he fought valiantly, no prayer was said before the lowering into his final hell (also known as flushing the toilet). Today was a good day to die moth, but not for me. Not yet, not yet...



*Battle Position: This is when man is standing bear chested with only shorts on, holding a kleenex in one hand swatting at the moth with the other. This is a very effective stratagy. Swatting generally is futile, however there is the hope of downing its flight, wherein the kleenex is made ready to envelope and take the final kill.